It’s no secret that many churches and pastors are worried about money nowadays. But Edwin Friedman used to say, “The issue is never the issue.” He meant that issues and problems which are perennial in church life, or the latest hot-button challenge, are really primarily a focus for people’s anxiety. We live in highly anxious times, and there’s a lot of free-floating anxiety around. Somehow we attach it to certain issues. In church life a few are favorites: music, children and youth ministry. And, of course, money. As one pastor said, “There always seems to be an exclamation point when money is involved.”

Of course there are genuine financial challenges that must be faced. Bills must be paid. Staff must receive their salaries. The endowment must be managed. Budgeting must be done (and sometimes cuts must be made). But if we can delete that exclamation point and stay calm even when others are anxious, we’ll provide better leadership and the church will make better decisions about financial matters.

Helping is not necessarily overfunctioning, but the difference can be difficult to discern. Your child may need help with homework, but doing his or her science project is overfunctioning! My parents are in their late 80s, and my mother has Alzheimer’s. They are still living on their own, in another city. I just spent two days with them. My father has at last agreed to hire someone to help them. They definitely need more help now, and will need even more in the future. I’m struggling with how to be present appropriately with them, respecting the boundaries while being honest about what I see and what I think. I’m working on staying in my role as daughter even when I’m helping them. It is tempting to get parental. Clarifying responsibilities and choices is not easy when anxiety is high. But these challenging moments in life are also great opportunities to learn about ourselves and others.

Are you working hard? I assume so. Does that mean you are overfunctioning? Not necessarily. Overfunctioning involves taking responsibility for others, especially for their problems and shortcomings. In the short term, helping others can be a good thing. But if it becomes chronic, it can contribute to sustaining the limitations of others, and burning us out.

But let’s recognize that ministry is truly hard work, as is accomplishing most things of value in this world. Working long hours may not necessarily be overfunctioning. If you can’t take a break without feeling anxious, that’s something to pay attention to, however.

Here are some ways to assess your own work:
Do you feel satisfied, or resentful? Resentment is one clue that you might be overfunctioning.
Can you say no? People who are working hard at their own work can say no to requests that contradict their own goals. Overfunctioners tend to say yes compulsively.
How do you feel when you get up in the morning: excited or exhausted?
What is at stake? Is it something that is truly a key value for you, or are you simply insisting on imposing your standards on others in an area that doesn’t matter as much as you think it does? (My husband, Karl, says, “Just lower your standards, and you’ll be happier!”)

What do you notice about your own work? Are you working hard? Too hard? Overfunctioning? Let me know what you think.

We had a terrific conversation with family therapist and clergy coach Elaine Boomer on triangles at church around money. Here are a few quotes:

“Money is the hot topic everywhere, in my work with families and in my work with clergy. Money is a repository for anxiety. Anxiety is always floating around in churches and families and businesses. For example, if a pastor leaves a church, the anxiety goes up, and it looks for a place to land. In most churches it lands on money.”

“All triangles work the same: money isn’t the issue, it’s the anxiety. Look in your own family of origin and see what makes you anxious and what doesn’t. In all triangles you always have to be aware of what’s going on inside of you.”

“Don’t be so obsessed with the outcome. Stephen Covey says, “Do things with the end in mind, but let go of the outcome.” So you see possibility but you’re not so tied up with the outcome. It’s not about having no opinion but about letting other people in the triangle work out how they are going to be with the money.”

Join me this Thursday, April 22, at 9 Pacific/10 Mountain/11Central/12 Eastern Time for a one hour conference call conversation with Elaine Boomer on the topic, “Money at Church: Can You See the Triangles?”

A family therapist in Vienna, Virginia, Elaine Boomer is on the faculty of the Leadership in Ministry workshop and has coached clergy from around the country on ministry issues. She had a ten-year career as a banking executive. Boomer co-authored A Family Genogram Workbook. To register for the teleconference, simply reply to this message, and I’ll send call-in information.

This is the next of a series of conversations with leaders on money and ministry, the topic of my forthcoming book. E-mail me at Margaret@margaretmarcuson.com with your interest, and I’ll send you call-in information. If you can’t make the call, a recording will be available. There is no charge for the teleconference (long-distance charges apply) or the recording.

I hope you can make it Thursday!

Today I met with a group of Presbyterian ministers here in Portland, Oregon. We’re going to spend a few months discussing my book, Leaders Who Last. We spent some time today talking about overfunctioning. One of the group members, Susan Grewe, co-pastor of Savage Memorial Presbyterian Church, quoted an important mentor of hers, David Steele. He said, “the art of ministry is knowing what not to do, and not doing it.”

There are really two parts to putting this counsel into practice: first of all, we have to figure out what not to do. What is our job, and at least as important, what isn’t our job. Then, and what may be harder, we have to discipline ourselves not to do them. For us overfunctioning types, this creates anxiety (what if no one steps in to do this essential thing which I know is not mine to do?) I have to be honest and say sometimes I know what not to do, and do it anyway (reminding my husband of things falls in this category).

Do you know what not to do? Can you not do it?

I’m not talking about physical health, but emotional health. I’ve been reviewing Ron Richardson’s book, Becoming a Healthier Pastor, which I bought and read several years ago. I’m teaching an intensive course this week at Central Baptist Theological Seminary, and it’s one of the texts. The subtitle is: “Family Systems Theory and the Pastor’s Own Family.”

Richardson addresses the complexity of the ways our family story impacts our ministry, and suggests an approach that can shift the intensity. Here’s a sample quote: “When a pastor needs to have people get better or have situations resolved quickly, it often means an issue of competence is involved. If the pastor tries to move things along, becoming impatient with the slowness of others, then this could well be an unresolved issue from family. If the pastor is trying harder to get a good outcome than the ones who are more directly involved in the problem, the pastor has become a part of the problem.” I can only say, “ouch!”

Learning about the unseen forces from our family life that can drive us in ministry takes time. Richardson suggests engaging with members of our family of origin in ways that don’t try to fix or change them. I’d say that alone can begin to shift our overfunctioning approach to our ministry and lead to greater health.

Ed Bacon, rector of All Saints Church, Pasadena, offered some truly useful comments as part of yesterday’s teleconference. Here’s an excerpt from his opening remarks, in response to the question, “Why is staying connected so important for leadership?”

“My recent thinking has focused on making sure that as a pastor and as a friend and just a human being in relationship, I know the difference between a person’s being and doing. Too often leaders get focused on whether or not the people in their system are following them in their doing. Staying connected was a central truth of so much that I learned from Ed Friedman …. A leader can be so much more innovative, courageous, daring, adventurous, calm down the system down, to the degree that the connections are made vibrant and authentic….what is so important in relationships, is that we connect our being to the being of another person, and not have the relationship conditioned on whether or not someone agrees with us. People feel that: when you are together, they feel that they are important to you and you are important to them on the being level.”

The recording of the teleconference is available. E-mail me at Margaret@margaretmarcuson.com, and I’ll send you the link.

Join me this Thursday, October 22, at 9 Pacific/10 Mountain/11 Central/noon Eastern Time for a one hour conference call conversation with Ed Bacon on the topic, “Are You Staying in Touch?”

Ed Bacon is the rector of All Saints Episcopal Church in Pasadena, California. His energies focus on leadership in anxious times, peacemaking, interfaith relations, integrating family, faith and work systems, and articulating the Christian faith in non-bigoted ways. In September 2008 he was a guest on Oprah Winfrey’s Soul Series on Oprah & Friends Radio discussing 21st century spirituality, and in January 2009 he was a guest panelist in the Spirituality 101 segment of The Oprah Show’s “Living Your Best Life” series. He is currently a guest host twice a month on Oprah’s Soul Series which airs every Monday on Sirius XM Radio.

I hope you can make it Thursday!

E-mail me at Margaret@margaretmarcuson.com with your interest, and I’ll send you call-in information. If you can’t make the call, a recording will be available.

This is one in a series of conversations with leaders on the subject of my new book, Leaders Who Last: Sustaining Yourself and Your Ministry, from Seabury (now available on Amazon).

(This post is a repeat from two years ago, in preparation for the upcoming teleconference interview with Peter Steinke on leadership in a crisis. See below for more information.)

We’ve all experienced those crisis moments: the phone call comes, or you open the e-mail, and
disaster, small or large, has struck. What’s your first response in a crisis? Your first reaction
may be to panic. Your heart starts to pound. Your body is overtaken by anxiety. What should
you do now?

Here are five tips for handling a crisis. Tips one and two will help you respond better in the
moment the crisis breaks.

1. Focus on yourself first. Your own functioning is critical: you need to handle
yourself, not the crisis. Panic is contagious. But so is calm, and if you can keep your
own anxiety down, everyone will make better decisions.

2. Breathe. Oxygen literally helps your brain work better. When you feel your
heart start pounding, stop and take a few deep breaths.

Over time, keep focusing on your own functioning, and keep breathing. Some crises take some
time to resolve. The following tips will help you as you continue to respond.

3. Think. If you can reflect on the crisis rather than simply reacting to it, you’ll
be better able to manage yourself. Here are some questions to consider: Why now?
(Crises usually don’t come out of nowhere.) Who else besides me needs to share this
responsibility? What’s the worst that could happen, and how would I handle that?

4. Get thoughtful counsel. We often go looking for advice in a crisis, but choose
your advisers carefully. Look for those who can ask good questions, and offer a bit of a
challenge along with the necessary hand-holding. Spend time with people who are
calmer than you are.

5. Pray. Or meditate, or whatever works to help you get the bigger picture. And
there’s always a bigger picture. No crisis is ultimate. The story will always go on, and
when we can tap into a larger hope, we will lead better, especially in crisis.

Most crises are not as disastrous as the initial panic indicates. Even if the worst happens,
whatever that may be for you, this approach will continue to help you. But if you can keep your
head, and thoughtfully take steps to respond, often the turmoil will subside, and you can keep
moving forward toward your goals.

NEXT TELECONFERENCE: In 2009 I’m offering a series of conversations on the subject of my new book, Leaders Who Last: Sustaining Yourself and Your Ministry. Join me next Thursday, September 24, at 9 Pacific/10 Mountain/11 Central/noon Eastern Time, for a one hour conference call conversation with Peter Steinke, author of Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times on the topic, Leadership in a Crisis.

E-mail me at Margaret@margaretmarcuson.com with your interest, and I’ll send you call-in information. If you can’t make the call, a recording will be available. There is no charge for the teleconference or the recording.