I just saw the 1964 movie Becket, in limited release on the big screen, with Richard Burton and Peter O’Toole, as Becket and Henry II. Seeing Becket’s conversion to a principled leader is fascinating—and a good reminder that acting out of clear principle doesn’t mean guaranteed success. And Peter O’Toole’s Henry is a wonderful example of a narcissistic leader, who needs Becket as a mirror for his sense of himself. Watching two great actors play off each other is a treat. The movie will be released on DVD in May.

The leader of a congregation holds a unique position. In order for the church to move forward, the leader has to step out and say, “I’m going in this direction.” People long for leadership. Some leaders say, “Where do you want to go? I’ll lead you there.” Others say, “You must go in this direction.” Passive leadership and autocratic leadership have their limitations. A generation ago pastors were trained in the “enabling” model. Nowadays the directive model, with a focus on pastoral authority, is more in vogue.
But there is a different way, a way where the leader defines themselves, while building relationships with those they follow, what Edwin Friedman called “leadership through self-differentiation.” When a leader is clear and reasonably confident, people want to follow. This is different and more effective, in the long term, from the autocratic leader, where he or she tells people what to do. People resist being willed to go in a direction, and they know instinctively when it’s happening.
What’s the difference between pursuing a goal with energy and determination, and willfulness? It’s a fine line. Making a difference in the world does require a lot of commitment. We can, however, be fully engaged in the process of leadership, while still holding the outcome somewhat lightly. We can notice the response of others without hovering, wondering anxiously, “Are they following?” Having a light-hearted approach to our relationship with our followers, even when the stakes are high, will always be more successful, than anxiously pursuing them trying to convince them we are on the right track.

I’ve been thinking about narcissism and leadership. At a recent clergy conference on narcissism and ministry, my colleague Michael Nel suggested that we all have a little narcissism in us, as Murray Bowen suggested we all have some schizophrenia in us (and we all have cancer cells in our bodies). And perhaps it’s not a completely bad thing. To be a leader, you darn well better be sure of yourself. Self-confidence and internal clarity are not narcissistic but can be viewed as such. What do you think? Perhaps the difference between adaptive narcissism, as psychiatrist Mark McClung puts it, and pathological narcissism, is that we’re on this side of the mental health line if we can relate to others in a way that’s not just about us, and if we can laugh at ourselves. See my full newsletter article on this topic here.

Welcome to Marcuson’s Church Leadership Blog, a blog about how church leaders sustain themselves through the ups and downs of congregational life. Long-term leadership is what makes a difference for congregations–but how do you get there, when the day-to-day and year-to-year stresses of leading a church can wear you out? Edwin Friedman said, “Stress comes less from overwork than from taking responsibility for the problems of others.” How do clergy and other congregational leaders take responsibility for themselves, get clear about their goals and direction, and maintain strong connections with those they lead? This is the key to success in congregational life. This blog will include my own reflections on leadership, thoughts from congregational and wider church leaders, and other leaders of interest, and your input on your experiences as leaders in a variety of denominational, geographic and demographic settings. Thanks for reading!