I’ve got a new article in Leading Ideas, published by the Lewis Center for Leadership at Wesley Seminary, “10 Tips for Dealing with Complaints in Ministry”.

I just received (and dutifully filled out) a survey from my seminary, Pacific School of Religion in Berkeley, on how I evaluate my experience in their M.Div. program (now a good 25 years ago). I found my seminary experience a delight, but the survey got me thinking about the aspects of ministry you can’t learn in a classroom. All ministry leaders face challenges in relationships at church, and we can only learn how to deal with them when we’re in the midst of them, preferably with a thoughtful and experienced coach to give us some perspective.

I was blessed, in a way, because while I was in seminary the church where I was a member and did my field education faced a major conflict at a time between pastors. The clarity and calm of the church moderator was a remarkable testimony to me about the power of presence in leadership. I made some mistakes in that church conflict, including an ill-advised “confrontation” with one of the ringleaders. But we weathered the storm pretty well, and I learned a lot. Many years later I learned to ask the question “why now?” when an issue arises. The church had a perceived leadership vacuum with the departure of two beloved pastors. Yet it turned out there was a leader on the spot, whom people underestimated because of his quiet manner. He was well up to the challenge, and later became the long-term lay pastor of that congregation himself.

Leaders can learn a lot in the trenches of ministry, if they are open and curious. Yet leaders also get beat up and burnt out in the trenches and leave ministry and even the church disillusioned. This happens when we don’t understand how church systems work and don’t understand ourselves well enough. It takes a lifetime to understand the many factors in how people relate to each other. My own “bible” in this regard is Edwin Friedman’s Generation to Generation, a resource I highly recommend. But we can’t learn everything from a book. Workshops such as Leadership in Ministry are a way to continue our ongoing growth.

“What gifts did your parents give to you?” is a question Edwin Friedman used to ask. We can spend a lifetime working out the issues that our family gifted us with (and that they received from the generations before). Sometimes it’s worth taking time to look at the other side of the story.

Today is my mother’s 85th birthday. One of the gifts for ministry she gave me is the way she is tremendously hospitable at church. She doesn’t always like entertaining at home, but greeting people and welcoming them to church is second nature to her, as the oldest daughter of a pastor herself. Every time she comes to visit, she tells me about the fascinating people she met on the plane. And so asking people questions about themselves, drawing them out, is very easy for me. These are great assets in ministry, and I’m grateful for the gift. Happy Birthday, Mom!

Where do you come from? Our history can be a source of strength as we move into the future. I was reminded of this recently when I attended a service for the 100th anniversary of Holy Trinity Greek Orthodox Church in Portland, Oregon, where I live. After the service we attended a breakfast in the church’s brand-new Hellenic-American Cultural Center. Painted on the wall just beneath the ceiling were a number of quotations, including this one: “The branches must not forget their roots, for if they do they will be lost.”

In today’s world it can be easy to want to escape our past. People can move across the country and leave family behind, at least geographically. Institutions must adapt quickly or face extinction. Businesses must be light on their feet or go out of business. But our past always shapes us, even when we don’t think about it. And exploring it can be a source of possibility and hope.

At the Holy Trinity breakfast, several church leaders spoke, including Metropolitan Gerasimos of San Francisco, who spoke of the need for stability and flexibility. He stressed the importance of a firm but not rigid foundation. Flexibility alone is not enough, because we will have nothing on which to build toward the future. Stability alone is not enough, because if we cannot bend, we may break. I was struck by the way these leaders of a very traditional church were both valuing their heritage and looking for ways to make it significant in today’s world.

If you begin to ask questions in your organization, you may find stories of innovation and resourcefulness from the past which will surprise you and inspire those you lead. If you begin to ask questions in your family, you may find stories of adventure and resilience that help you recognize those qualities in yourself. I was surprised to learn about a decade ago that my grandmother (whom I always thought of as a traditional pastor’s wife) went off by herself to teach school in Arizona before she married. I realized that my own adventures were less a break with the past than a continuation of it.

One church I worked with, St. Mark’s Episcopal in Teaneck, New Jersey, found that when they began cooperating with the Catholic hospital next door, everything they did together was successful. The rector, The Rev. Randall Day, learned that Grace Chadwick, the same woman who gave the land for the church in the 1920s also gave the land for the hospital. He says, “As she saw it, these places would serve the community. Their purpose found their original meaning in Mrs. Chadwick’s visionary intention.” The two institutions share a historic connection that makes new things possible in the present.

Who knows the stories? What curious questions can you ask to get them talking? Take note of the strengths and sense of possibility that you hear, and draw on those qualities as you face present challenges.

Mother’s Day is not on the traditional Christian calendar, but many churches observe it in some way. The church is at the intersection of faith and family life. Many dynamics spill over from family life into church life, because often several generations of families are involved in the church community. In addition, people act out of their family issues into congregational life, whether or not their families are part of the church.

To be most effective as a leader and in pastoral care, leaders need to deal with their own family history and how it impacts their functioning in the present. (Your mother doesn’t need to be living for this to be true!) What are your “hooks,” your emotional vulnerabilities? Learning to be more neutral about your family is a lifetime process. This will help you help the families under your care more than anything else you can do.

Israel Galindo offers an excellent reminder in his post, “Critical” that that criticism is a form of pursuit. His focus is our tendency to criticize others. But remember also that those who criticize you most want to be close to you. Keeping that in mind, if nothing else, can neutralize a bit the intense reaction we can have when we are criticized. Getting neutral about it, being able to step back and see the bigger picture, always helps us think more clearly.

The church I attend, First Baptist Church of Portland, has a new senior minister, Dr. David Wheeler, an old friend of mine. David is someone who keeps this netural attitude naturally. At a recent quarterly meeting he said, “I’m a hard person to fight with. I’ll just smile, and say, ‘you’ve got a point there.’” That comment alone, and the genuine attitude it expresses, bodes well for our joint ministry.

Taking a stand is one of the most important tasks of leadership. When leaders take a stand, people will react automatically, but they will often come along in time if the leader sticks to it while staying in good relationship with the followers.

Sometimes you stand up and chart a direction and then are surprised when people don’t automatically stand up and cheer. You have to expect the reaction, not get thrown by it, and stay on track with the goals. At the same time, don’t doggedly and rigidly insist on your own way. You do have to fine-tune the direction and plans based on the feedback you get. People have to be following you if you are going to lead. Don’t get too far ahead.

But leaders never get anywhere important without experiencing some resistance. Here’s what’s needed: be as clear as possible about your own perspective, communicate that as clearly as you can, and don’t get emotionally hooked by the pushback. It’s not personal! When you know your own vulnerabilities, it’s a bit easer to be neutral about the criticism. At the best of times, you’ll find yourself caught, but over time, it can become easier to get off the hook quicker.

I have always found criticism challenging. Early in my ministry I wanted to keep everyone happy. I moved more slowly than necessary sometimes. But as I toughened up, I found it easier to tolerate criticism, and even laugh it off (at least internally). In fact, I found that having critics was a gift: it helped me grow up. It’s a fairy tale world where everything goes smoothly and we get everything we want. When I learned to be tougher, and didn’t feel so hurt by criticism, I was a better leader, and enjoyed leadership more.

What would it be like to take your worst critic to lunch? You don’t even have to talk about church. This time is best spent with those who have some ability to learn and grow and adapt their behavior. These critics can be seen as the “loyal opposition,” and have the potential to become significant allies, if you treat them with respect. Just because someone disagrees with you doesn’t mean they are an enemy. You rarely need to go head to head with them, and you may learn to appreciate their abilities and perspective.

Whom will you call this week?

I was in Colorado this week for the Leadership in Ministry workshop. At high altitudes (we were at 6,000 feet), the advice is to drink a lot of water. When I forgot, I felt dizzy and began to get a headache. Then I drank a lot of water to make up for it and felt better almost instantly.

If we don’t take in enough, we’ll begin to function less well as a leader. For church leaders, this is more than going to conferences. We need to drink in spiritually on a regular basis, or we’ll get dizzy and lose our balance as a leader. Here are some ways we can receive (they may seem obvious, but are all too easy to forget):

1. Pray, not just for others, but for yourself as a leader.
2. Worship. Find a place that works for you. If you are a pastoral leader, find someplace that is not the place you work. At least monthly, encounter God in some formal way.
3. Meditate. Sit quietly, for five minutes (or even one), if that is all you can do, for 20 or more if you can. Pay attention to your breathing, or use a phrase that appeals to you (like “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want”).
4. Be in nature. Find a tree and lean against it, and recognize the God-given strength that comes out of the earth, which is also available to you as a leader.
5. Find a spiritual mentor. We are often too close to these matters, or we don’t know where to begin. A wise clergy or lay leader, a spiritual director, or whatever is available in your tradition can be a support along the way. You can also find a leadership mentor who seems particularly grounded spiritually (rather than particularly successful).

Spiritual resources can help keep you upright in the sometimes thin air of your leadership role. Try choosing one of the above to do this week.