I’m not talking about physical health, but emotional health. I’ve been reviewing Ron Richardson’s book, Becoming a Healthier Pastor, which I bought and read several years ago. I’m teaching an intensive course this week at Central Baptist Theological Seminary, and it’s one of the texts. The subtitle is: “Family Systems Theory and the Pastor’s Own Family.”

Richardson addresses the complexity of the ways our family story impacts our ministry, and suggests an approach that can shift the intensity. Here’s a sample quote: “When a pastor needs to have people get better or have situations resolved quickly, it often means an issue of competence is involved. If the pastor tries to move things along, becoming impatient with the slowness of others, then this could well be an unresolved issue from family. If the pastor is trying harder to get a good outcome than the ones who are more directly involved in the problem, the pastor has become a part of the problem.” I can only say, “ouch!”

Learning about the unseen forces from our family life that can drive us in ministry takes time. Richardson suggests engaging with members of our family of origin in ways that don’t try to fix or change them. I’d say that alone can begin to shift our overfunctioning approach to our ministry and lead to greater health.

Ed Bacon, rector of All Saints Church, Pasadena, offered some truly useful comments as part of yesterday’s teleconference. Here’s an excerpt from his opening remarks, in response to the question, “Why is staying connected so important for leadership?”

“My recent thinking has focused on making sure that as a pastor and as a friend and just a human being in relationship, I know the difference between a person’s being and doing. Too often leaders get focused on whether or not the people in their system are following them in their doing. Staying connected was a central truth of so much that I learned from Ed Friedman …. A leader can be so much more innovative, courageous, daring, adventurous, calm down the system down, to the degree that the connections are made vibrant and authentic….what is so important in relationships, is that we connect our being to the being of another person, and not have the relationship conditioned on whether or not someone agrees with us. People feel that: when you are together, they feel that they are important to you and you are important to them on the being level.”

The recording of the teleconference is available. E-mail me at Margaret@margaretmarcuson.com, and I’ll send you the link.

Join me this Thursday, October 22, at 9 Pacific/10 Mountain/11 Central/noon Eastern Time for a one hour conference call conversation with Ed Bacon on the topic, “Are You Staying in Touch?”

Ed Bacon is the rector of All Saints Episcopal Church in Pasadena, California. His energies focus on leadership in anxious times, peacemaking, interfaith relations, integrating family, faith and work systems, and articulating the Christian faith in non-bigoted ways. In September 2008 he was a guest on Oprah Winfrey’s Soul Series on Oprah & Friends Radio discussing 21st century spirituality, and in January 2009 he was a guest panelist in the Spirituality 101 segment of The Oprah Show’s “Living Your Best Life” series. He is currently a guest host twice a month on Oprah’s Soul Series which airs every Monday on Sirius XM Radio.

I hope you can make it Thursday!

E-mail me at Margaret@margaretmarcuson.com with your interest, and I’ll send you call-in information. If you can’t make the call, a recording will be available.

This is one in a series of conversations with leaders on the subject of my new book, Leaders Who Last: Sustaining Yourself and Your Ministry, from Seabury (now available on Amazon).

Are you paying enough attention to relationships? For those in highly relational fields such as ministry, that may seem like a silly question. For leaders, however, it’s crucial to think strategically as well as personally about relationships. To succeed, leaders must be well-connected to the group and to key individuals within it. A leader’s presence is as important for moving forward as his or her vision. No relationships means no leadership.

Pay extra attention to this part of a leader’s work at key times in organizational life. When you begin a new position, obviously. When you want to undertake a new initiative. When a crisis hits (but don’t wait for a crisis!). It can be time-consuming to stay connected, but it’s time well-spent.

You need some self-knowledge to stay in touch in a way that helps everyone. For example, what do you do when people disagree with you? Avoid them, or fight back? We all have automatic patterns in relationships, learned from our families. The more thoughtful you can be about yourself, the better you will do at relating to others.

Is it manipulative to think about relationships strategically? Perhaps, if that’s your only motivation. People sniff out phoniness in a second. Leaders need a genuine interest in others. But leaders also need a head above the crowd, to be able to survey the group and its context and thoughtfully consider what is best for all.

Here are some tips (and paradoxes) for considering how you are connected as a leader:
1. Spend the most time with those who are emotionally mature BUT don’t avoid those who are reactive. Work on your own reactivity to this second group.
2. Stay connected to those who disagree with you BUT don’t chase after people trying to convince them of your point of view.
3. Spend time strategically connecting with key people for the sake of your goals BUT be authentically interested in them while you are with them.
4. Pay attention to others and their responses BUT put most of your attention on yourself and your own response. You can’t control them, only yourself.

Yesterday I attended a gathering at S. David of Wales Episcopal Church in Portland, Oregon. Their new rector, The Rev. Sara Fischer, is doing fascinating ministry, connecting the church with the neighborhood, and especially artists and musicians in the area.

As a Baptist I’m rather saint-impaired, so I was interested to hear a bit of St. David’s story for my Episcopal colleagues. David founded a monastery in Wales. As the story goes, if someone wanted to be admitted as a monk, he had to wait at the door of the monastery for ten days. David also seemed to be convinced that all monks needed to eat was bread and water. The monks pulled the ploughs themselves, without oxen. Yet the monastery was flooded with applicants.

Sixth century Wales is not twenty-first century U.S. culture. We can be so happy to see people in church we are afraid to challenge them in case they decide to go away. And yet I do think offering a challenge is still an important part of ministry. Growth comes through challenge.

Has the fall schedule crunch got you down? Let me recommend a new collection by Garrison Keillor, Life among the Lutherans. It’s a collection of essays about the Lutherans in Lake Wobegon that Keillor has written over the years. My cousin, Greg Collord, recommended them to me, and I’m grateful. They are hilarious, and not just for Lutherans. Plus, they are only five or six pages each. I read one a day for a month, and I laughed out loud at every one.