In yesterday’s teleseminar on “How Did You Learn about Money?” Larry Foster made some valuable observations about family of origin work and church leadership.

He talked about the challenge, and value, of going back into our families seeking a more objective view. He emphasized the importance of finding a coach or mentor in this process, and the fact that this is a “hard, life-long process, but the benefits are worth it if you can stay with it.” He said, “You see your parents as the kids of parents who are kids of parents, you see your functioning position in a different light, if your parents are still alive you have the opportunity to work on that relationship one on one, you can create a family of cousins and touch the branches around you.” He suggested this is a process of getting more objective about our families, focusing on the “where, when, what and who” rather than “why” people are the way they are.

He went on to say, “when people make a shift from trying to change others to focusing on themselves, you see a difference in how they manage the rest of their lives. I suspect that if you get anxious about trying to get people to give, and if you’re in that triangled position as the pastoral leader, where people are saying it’s up to you to grow the church, I think that’s the invitation to be stressed.”

Conversely, he said, that the capacity to focus on yourself, as well as staying connected to others, while staying less anxious and reactive and blaming, over time that has an impact on people. He said, “That starts at home — if you’re getting up in the morning and looking forward to the challenges of the day, and that includes the way you manage your money, I think people’s radar picks that up.”

He concluded with Edwin Friedman’s principle that “questions are eternal, answers are fleeting.” He asked, “How do you ask new questions about money and its function in your life?”

Join me this Thursday, May 27, at 9 Pacific/10 Mountain/11Central/12 Eastern Time for a one hour conference call conversation with Larry Foster on the topic, “How Did You Learn about Money?”

The Rev. Dr. Larry L. Foster is the director of Clergy Seminars in Whitehall, MI. His own work with family process began in 1979 when he first heard Edwin Friedman talk about emotional triangles and anxiety. He has been a coach and consultant for sixteen years, working with Bowen Family Systems Theory, especially around leadership.

This is the next of a series of conversations with leaders on money and ministry, the topic of my forthcoming book. E-mail me at Margaret@margaretmarcuson.com with your interest, and I’ll send you call-in information. If you can’t make the call, a recording will be available. There is no charge for the teleconference (long-distance charges apply) or the recording.

I hope you can make it Thursday!

One pastor remembers hearing his mother say, every time they saw someone driving a nice car, “But are they happy?” We internalize any number of lines, from “money doesn’t grow on trees” to “You can’t take it with you.” These messages about money affect how we lead in church life. Whatever the message, some grow up and follow the same way of dealing with money; others react and do the opposite. The daughter of a free-spending mother may still have her first dime, and carefully watch the church expenditures as well as her own.

Our birth order and other circumstances in our family often have an impact on how we live out the family story. In some families there’s one person, generation after generation, designated to be the financial success, often the oldest. And there maybe someone who typically struggles financially, who may be someone further down the line, a younger daughter or a younger son.

As we learn more about the family story that has influenced our attitudes toward money, we can become more neutral about it. We can have more choices. This is not an easy process, and it is not a quick one. It’s more of a gradual shift, and the old patterns are always ready to resurface in times of high anxiety. In a church budget crisis you may want to hide in your office, the way you hid in your room when your parents fought about money.

As we get more neutral about money in our own family life, we can have greater freedom when relating to money at church. In my own pastoral ministry, I found that as I learned more about the sometimes complicated history of money in my own family over the generations, I was simply less anxious about church finance. I dreaded the budget meetings far less, and I felt freer to preach about stewardship. This made my ministry much easier, and I like to think more effective. One year I began to make my own pledge to the church public, a significant change for me and for the life of the church.

My family legacy includes high anxiety and difficulty in making financial decisions. But I also gained a lot from my family that helps me every day. I know how to live frugally, which can be freeing. I understand the value of giving. I place a high value on being financially independent and standing on my own two feet. I’m grateful for these gifts, and I have a lifetime to work on lightening up about money.

What is your family story? Here are some questions to consider as you do your own research in your family:

1. Who is the most responsible person around money? The least?
2. How do people in your family make decisions about money? What values and criteria do they use?
3. How did you learn about money growing up? How did your parents learn?
4. What is the meaning of success in your family?
5. What do you notice, if anything, about how your leadership in financial matters echoes your family patterns?

I know I always say there is no formula for leadership. But yesterday I had a conversation with The Rev. Canon Charles LaFond, Canon for Congregational life for the Episcopal Diocese of New Hampshire. I interviewed him for my forthcoming book on churches and money. He said some fascinating things about what he calls “the stewardship of finances” (distinguishing it from a number of other stewardships in church life). LaFond has developed what he calls a “mathematical formula” for leadership.

Here is LaFond’s leadership formula: “Effective – Nice + Kind.” Effective leadership in the area of stewardship of finances has to do with good logistics in leading and planning and strategizing around annual giving. He says, “Nice is a veneer, and it distracts and it obscures, and sometimes even leads to untruth.” He goes on to talk about what “kind” means. “It is kind to tell people the truth. It is kind to say you’re not living a viable life by living at the standard you have chosen. It is kind to say that there is a spiritual illness here that is causing over-spending and under-giving.” I’ve often thought that Christian leaders (myself included) are afflicted with terminal niceness which gets in the way of the church’s mission.

I keep thinking about this formula. What do you think about it?

Is your church facing financial decisions? Here are some questions that might be useful as you consider your process.

• What is the question that needs to be decided?
• When does a decision need to be made?
• Who else needs to contribute to this decision? Are we carrying the responsibility we need to as leaders, without anxiously looking for input as a way to avoid making a decision? Or are we hoarding information and the ability to contribute to a solution?
• Are we appropriately balancing the needs of the present with the needs of the future?
• Are we clear on the roles each person and group is playing — pastor, governing board, finance committee – and what those responsibilities entail?
• Are we sharing information appropriately? What do staff, other lay leadership and congregation need to know, and what is the right timing?
• On what assumptions are we basing our decisions? How do we know they are accurate?
• How is our faith informing this decision?

Do you have any questions you would add to this list?

Yesterday I was talking with Todd Miller, rector of Trinity Episcopal Church in Newton Centre, Massachusetts. When I asked him how things were going, he said, “I’m just around the corner from having a great time!” We talked about how often that seems to be the case in ministry. He told me that long ago he attended a retreat where the leader, a bishop, said he always felt like he was just this close from really breaking things open with God. Perhaps that is the nature of our relationship with God (given that God is God and we are human beings)

Todd told me he went to a high school in Racine, Wisconsin, designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. He said there was hardly a straight hallway in the place. (It’s the Prairie School, and you can see a photo of the outside here). “The intent was to draw you on,” he said. “You couldn’t see all the way down the hallway. It kept you curious about what’s around the bend.”

I’m grateful to Todd for this wonderful image of ministry, and for permission to share our conversation with you. What are you imagining might be around the next bend, in your ministry or your spiritual life?