Six untruths pastors like to tell themselves about relationships

If you’re a pastor, you probably spend a lot of time connecting with people in your church. That’s good. Relationships are essential to leadership. However, I think pastors sometimes believe things about relating to others that simply aren’t true. You may actually believe them, but they won’t get you very far in your leadership, in your ministry with individuals, or in your personal life.

Which of these do you believe?

  1. I need to give everyone equal attention. Well, in practice this simply isn’t true. And just because everyone is equal before God and equally beloved by God, doesn’t mean you need to spend equal time with them. For one thing, you’re not God. You can’t give attention to unlimited people. You have to make some choices. I’d like to suggest that spending time with people who are motivated to grow is a good use of your limited time for one-on-one connection. And spending time helping leaders grow, or helping mature members grow into leaders, is the best of all.
  2. I need to spend as much time with someone as they want. I’ve heard this directly from pastors. Or when I raise the possibility that they can set limits, they are surprised. Just the opposite is true, in fact. For those who have trouble setting limits, it’s a ministry to set a boundary, including a time boundary.
  3. If I cut this person (staff person or member) some slack, they will appreciate it and shape up. All right, this one can be true sometimes. I do notice that many pastors let people get away with bad behavior repeatedly in the name of Christian charity. I’m all for Christian charity, but as I noted above, it can be a ministry to set limits. Sometimes the loving thing to do is to say, “No, not here.”
  4. If I just spend more time with people sharing my vision, they will come around to my point of view. Now, of course it is important to clarify and share your vision over time. And some of that happens one-on-one or in small groups. Yet, don’t forget the most important part of relationships (including relationships that focus on moving the vision forward): listening. People won’t come along unless they believe you have heard and understood their perspective, even if it is very different from your own.
  5. My family of origin and I are very different, and they have nothing to do with how I relate to people at church. Remember that you learned your first lessons about how the meaning of relationships from your family. Some of those lessons may have been challenging ones. You may have developed a variety of different ways to relate to others over the years. However, remember that under stress, you probably revert to the earliest patterns, and you need to be aware of what they are. In addition, your family may have taught you some useful lessons in relationships that you haven’t appreciated, such as how to be aggressive with a bully, not simply nice. What did you learn from your family about relationships that can help you now?
  6. I’ll spend more time with my spouse/children/myself/God NEXT week. The pressures of ministry can seem all-consuming. And on a week when you’ve got multiple funerals or a big building or staff or pastoral care crisis, it’s okay to say this. However, if you find yourself saying this every week, you’ll be in trouble soon. On the other hand, if you do regularly relate to the people who are most important to you, you’ll find yourself better able to sustain yourself over time. It’s not easy to have a life outside ministry, but I see people all the time who do. They are happier and more satisfied in ministry and in their personal lives

What truths have you learned about ministry relationships? Comment below!


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